OMG!!! It’s finally here, my NEW blog!! How freaking exciting is this!?? And the best part is Y’all are here to be a magnificent witness to this brand new and exciting path I have decided to meander down!! Okay okay…I’m sorry!! Let me cut out the bullshit cause y’all know that hallmark sentimental crap is not me!! Y’all are here to laugh along with me, and at me as I continue to get the most freaking fun out of life as I can in my usual Jadventurous style!!
So….Welcome Y’all, welcome my fellow bloggers, friends, family, passersby and anyone else lucky enough to have stumbled on this amazing blog about “My Jadventures”!!
The biggest adventure you can take is to live the life of your dreams.
What a freaking ride this is going to be!! I ‘m pretty bloody sure that if you stick around long enough there are bound to be times I make a total and complete twat of myself so plenty of opportunities to laugh at me while laughing along with me…I mean fuck, if you can’t laugh at yourself from time to time what is the freaking point!!
Oh shit!! I just realized that my cussing has kinda sorta still carried over from my old blog. I was thinking this blog might be a totally tame “G” rate version. Truly I did, I actually paused for a few minutes to decide if I should take out the cussing but then reason took over and I thought fuck it!! There is no “G” rated version of me so y’all are probably just going to have to suck it up!!
Anyway about time I introduced myself!! It’s me Jad!! Yep it is truly my name, well actually it is Jadziah but I prefer Jad!! Please please please…Do not add an E on the end.!! My name is not Jade…!! It is pronounced Jad like mad, sad, glad, rad JAD.!! Your auto correct will want to change it to “Had” but eventually you can teach it the word Jad!!…So that when you are telling all of your friends about me like “Hey I am following this blog of a totally cool batshit crazy chick name Jad!!” Your auto correct is going to get it right!!
What is that? batshit crazy?! Hmmm Yes did I forget to mention that bit?!
Ah well dang I better do a proper introduction.
Definition of Jad!!
Female – I know right, I bet some of you thought Jad was a mans name!
Aged 52 – How the fuck did that happen?
Slightly Quirky – Well perhaps a little more than slightly.
Fun Loving – Tis true, I love having fun!! I mean really who the fuck doesn’t?
Batshit Crazy – I think there is a little batshit crazy in everyone But I lined up
Jadventurous- That is what this blog is all about…My Jadventures!!
So what would Jadventures be like if I did not start my very first blog with a Jadventure!
Firstly I need to introduce y’all to Michael, AKA Vanilla Kisses, AKA Mr Impossible!
It was his birthday last Wednesday and in true JAD style I had to make sure he had the awesomest birthday ever.!
He is such a romantic my Mr Impossible that he wanted to spend breakfast, lunch and dinner with me on his actual birthday but we are fasting at the moment which means we eat once a day so I told him that we could only have kisses for breakfast and lunch but we would go somewhere fabulous for dinner!!
Kisses for breakfast and lunch it was, I mean really he even came and picked me up from work at lunch time and we went and parked his car and had 30 minutes of kissing for lunch…! Come dinner time we were freaking starving so we went to “The Jungle”…Truly, I am not shitting you look at this amazing photo!!
The jungle has a Brazilian steakhouse theme, not as good as the Brazilian Steakhouses in America but was still amazing food and awesome Churrasco dining experience!!
So where the fuck is the Jadventure in that I hear you ask…Well the food was an adventure is itself but after dinner we decided to take a walk up on the mezzanine floor, they have these awesome little tree houses that if you have 10 friends y’all can go in an have a private little dining experience.
Just as we finished walking the mezzanine we got to a slide which goes back down to the first floor… I know, I know I am lame but really it’s a slide?! Who the fuck can resist a slippery slide no matter what age… The only problem is I was dressed for dinner not the fucking playground and as I slide down this mother-freaking arsehole slide my dress slid up as I slid down and I felt some burning pain on my cheeky bits…. Ya know that exceedingly tender piece of flesh just under your arse cheeks, that sexy little “Thigh brow” I stepped off the slide thinking I had snagged my arse on a loose nail or something. I mean really that is what it felt like. I started walking and could feel the moisture. I imagined that my grievous cut was gushing blood. I was trying to retain my dignity but I just kept thinking any minute now blood is going to start pouring down my leg and everyone is going to think I started my period and to save face I am gonna have to lift my dress up and show the entire hotel that it is not my period but that the mother-freaking slide cut me!!
Fortunately we made it to the disabled toilet so that Michael could take a look at my wound and administer tender loving care. This 6 inch cut that imagined I had was bleeding very little, when I say very little I mean almost non existent!! I was thinking fuck me dead how can something hurt so freaking bad and only have droplets of blood…. As it turned out I had not cut the little cheeky bit I had freaking burnt it!! What I had was a 2 inch by 1 inch burn which was still fucking burning!!!
Still trying to keep my dignity intact we made it to the car, what followed was an excruciating trip home with my arse cheek still on fire!! When we finally got home I looked in what can only be described as a “pitiful” medicine cabinet and the only thing I could come up with was the lotion you put on your bikini line after shaving to sooth it. Ya know that stuff that has lidocane in it. Let me tell you that stuff is the fucking devil. The pain was so intense I “stress” farted right on Michael while he was trying to administer to my wound… I know right, I have only been dating him around 5 weeks and I go fart right on him!!! What the fuck, all dignity is lost and we both just pack up laughing.!! I mean really, we were laughing so fucking hard neither of us could breathe…I thought we were going to have to call the paramedics!! Not for my injured arse cheeks but because one of us was going to die laughing!! But shit!! What else can you do but laugh when you fart on your new lover!!
Always protect your arse when going down slippery slides!!!
Don’t use lidocane on burns!!
When you break the fart barrier in a new relationship…This is an Jadawesome way to do it.